Sunday, February 10, 2008

They Keep Oscar's Retarded Brother in the Attic, People.

So, Tigger was curious to watch the Grammy's this evening. I am not one for award shows, but I AM an angry, and bitter bastard, so this is kind of a summary of the liveblogging that happened in my head.

Hey there Kanye West! How many records can you sell and still be angry? Jesus, even you have to realize the bizarre irony of performing an ode to your anger at the establishment not respecting you ON THE GRAMMY'S.

The idea of it being down to being non-white is a little insane to me, with apologies (of course.) Of all the industries in this fair and blighted land of ours, you happen to be in the one where non-white folks have been getting airtime and a twisted form of respect for about forty to fifty years. Now, I get that most of those people were getting ripped off for their talent, financially speaking, but Sam Cooke already had that thing figured out... not everyone was James Jamerson*, okay?

Christ Kanye, every second white kid under 25 has at least one of your records, all right? It's time to settle in and enjoy the fruits, for pete's sake... And so, I award you the first [possibly] annual Pantaloonfan Lauryn Hill Memorial Award for Bitterness!**

Fergie! Performing something probably called "Finally" with John Legend... at the end I could only think "Finally, you're done with this thing!"*** And Fergz...? Frankly...? Just for "My Humps," okay? If I saw you by the side of the road with a flat tire, I would totally pull over and slash the other three, okay?

The puzzling Ringo Starr won for an old Beatles' song for a Cirque de Soleil piece. This immediately after a sort of odd Beatles montage on stage, which left me thinking "John, Paul, George and Ringo could also be read as "Brilliant/Dead, Hack, Talented/Dead, Incompetent." Ringo couldn't even play the drums on his own records, and I have had a conversation with Bernard Purdy where he did not deny the rumor that he was the drummer on a bunch of Beatles records... All I could think when Ringo walked up with George Martin was that he should have had Martin wear a damn tail-coat so he could have ridden those up to the stage. It would have been in keeping with history.

I give up people. My own musical taste is unpredictable enough... Tigger has faced the white whale and commenced sorting through all the mis-filed CDs in my collection (most are in the wrong cases! I'm that organized!) So we've been ripping CDs into iTunes for a few days... I just put in DJ Shadow, DMX, Rex Hobart, Duke Ellington and Gustav Mahler all in a row! Don't try and guess what the next one was, you'd be wrong.

* James Jamerson, a number of years after his greatest work was in LA, trying to find work, and when he signed up with the musician's union in the city, on the application where it asked about experience, he wrote "All that motown shit." Truer words were never fucking spoken.

** For those of you who missed it, Lauryn Hill, at the height of the Fugees success, said "I'd rather have my baby starve than have a white person buy my album." Yeah, well, that's pretty much who bought the first record that got you recognized, so... it's not as if "Urban Youth" in South Central were Rockin' those Jamzz, okay?

*** And also thought: "I almost broke my nose falling asleep onto my cocktail glass."

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